The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
