I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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