if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
