Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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