Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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