i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
