Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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