he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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