Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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