Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
