Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A+ Viking dick
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
