Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
