Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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