also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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