I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I will be naked everywhere
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
