when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
