dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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