Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
