You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
