I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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