how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
