He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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