I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
