If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
