It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
