i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
