I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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