Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
