He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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