ya dads aren't the best wingmen
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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