i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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