dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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