My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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