I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
