i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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