I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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