my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Alive.
So much puke
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
