Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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