I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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