I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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