two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
