she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
