I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
