just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
