If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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