i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
