Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
