Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
