Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
