I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
