Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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