You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
