Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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