5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
