You're my little dorito
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
