highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
