I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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